EVERY DAY KARMA… Can tie you in knots
One of the most important lessons of my life hit me in a sudden, wonderful burst of comprehension. Seriously, for a moment I felt like the Buddha, Khalil Gibran, or . . . well it was a life changing moment. In the next moment I was completely devastated, but . . . well the lesson still holds true.
I was gazing in the window of a very chic real-estate office, not reading the listings, not dreaming of owning one of the stratospherically expensive apartments, not . . . well not even seeing what was in front of me. No, I was re-living every awful scene of having left my one true love, just a few months before. What was I doing here? Why had I just moved – again, from my tiny little stable-doored bedsit into the pre-fab back end of someone’s garage, where I had to squeeze past my landlord’s old car and dusty shelves to reach an alarmingly flimsy door? (Well, apart from saving fuel and being able to walk to my night job at a Chinese restaurant.)
I’d given up everything for him. Everything! I’d been offered a job as a fashion buyer in a prestigious department store, but he’d accepted a really well paid position (all the way at the other end of the country), and wanted me to come with him. I’d left behind girlfriends, family and a nice big shared house by the beach. Now where was I? Heartbroken and lonely. Living in a city of tourists and real estate developers. A soulless place where the stunningly white sandy beaches were blocked from the sun for half the day by the towering buildings that overshadowed them.
And worst of all, I was without him. The love was still there, but I’d finally given up on any chance of a future. I’d been elbowed out as his number one priority. By his brother. He was a competitive type who thought that changing any plans we had together – because he could – meant that he should. He did it over and over again, until I made sure that any dinner plans, any night out or any weekend away was kept as secret as possible until the last minute. But he had ways of finding out, and made it his mission to make sure that we never got to do anything he didn’t have a hand in. In fact, now that I’d considered it, it was all his fault! The next time I was reduced to tears in the supermarket because I suddenly realised that I didn’t have to buy food only my ex ate, I could blame his brother! Who could have imagined that a selection of strawberry jam could invoke such sorrow? Or changing brand of mayonnaise could bring about a sense of guilt?
So, there I stood, cursing them both for the fact that once again I was facing a pane of glass while a wave of inconsolable tears overtook me, hoping to hide my face from passersby.
I mean, when he’d asked me to move all the way to the other side of the bloody country, how could I have known . . . wait a minute. Back up.
He’d asked me.
He’d. Asked. Me.
And I’d said yes.
Oh, my God, what a moment. I’d said yes. I was the one who’d made the decision to go. I was the one who’d chosen to give up everything for love.
Crap! I looked around me. Familiar streets that I hated. Crowds of tourists that made walking anywhere an upper-body gymnastic event. It was all my fault I was here?
The realisation was profound. Truly life changing. And another crippling blow when I was already down. But if we don’t learn lessons while we’re down, when do we?
The next realisation was possibly even worse. If it wasn’t for his overbearing, insufferably bossy brother, when would I have discovered how easily I was slotted into second place? And would it only be second place? How long before I might end up third, or fourth…? What other new interest might have meant that I was spending more time waiting for him and no time thinking for myself?
Which brings me to Every Day Karma. If we’re responsible for our every action and decision, then where we are right now is right where we deserve to be. Well, most of us. Sometimes that’s really hard to accept. But if we keep learning from our mistakes, then the future must be brighter, right?
Someone once wisely told me, “When you make a decision, make it the right decision.” No looking back, no second guessing.
I’m glad I moved. I’m grateful for the experiences that have made me a person with a little more depth and a bit more wisdom. I’m glad I learned something from it. I think I might be better off for being able to say, “Thank you for being such a shitty boyfriend.” An also, “Thanks for some great memories. There were plenty of those too!”
So, I’ll leave you with these sage words.
The next time you make a decision, make it the right decision.
(And remember who made it.)
With love,
Connie
